What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My inexpensive home security system…
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.