what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Yup.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg