What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
bias laundering edition
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!