what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Geez man, take it easy.