what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
had to make it
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Omg 🤣
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here