what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
What the hell happened in there??
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes