what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You Might Also Like
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”