What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Dance like you’re not the father
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*