What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are