What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do