what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
You Might Also Like
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I love the honesty
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?