What if all the cashiers are married?
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
“HELP WITH CAT”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger