what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god