What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*seductively corrects your posture*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Botany good plants lately?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
no!! no!!!!!!