@MomofTeen He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
@GirlsNoteBook What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
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@MomofTeen 
@Tharin_P “Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
@pplwtching Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
@ZiggyMcFuknuget My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
@WilliamAder If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
@GirlPetunia Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
@LostFelicia The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
@BoomBoomBetty The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
@briancthayer *licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
@funnybeachgirl Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.