What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.


“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”


Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.


My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….


If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.


Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..


The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.


The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.


*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.


Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.