What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.


Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.


there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911


I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.


Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!


My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”


U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good