What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
True
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb