@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

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@CYComedy

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@80sjams

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@VikeeysSecret

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

@tayandmae

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good