What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
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[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
you will never know the true number of layers
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.