@alispagnola

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

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@secondofhername

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@POTerritory

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

@StruggleDisplay

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

@wickedblondeone

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings