What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
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Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Buying a well is money well spent.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.