What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.


Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together


Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?


People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am


Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.


I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home


Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉


Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.


Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.