@alispagnola

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

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@afloodofblood

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

@GoldenSpirals

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

@bighandsmassuer

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

@SavageDabs69

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@Crutnacker

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

@Gupton68

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

@SSparklesDaily

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.