@alispagnola
@afloodofblood Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
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@afloodofblood 
@david8hughes Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
@GoldenSpirals Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
@TheBoydP Horrifying if literal: foot locker
@bighandsmassuer People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
@SavageDabs69 Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
@envydatropic I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
@Crutnacker Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
@Gupton68 Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
@SSparklesDaily Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.