
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.