What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.