What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
FRED: right
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*