what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar