what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.


DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/


ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog


Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash


Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.


1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave


My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.


You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?


Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.


OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line