@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

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@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

@thecoliny

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

@badbanana

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@lisaxy424

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@moxieblogger

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line