what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
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me after drinking all the wine:
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.