@English_Channel

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

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@Kauaibride

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@JohnLyonTweets

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

@Petote

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

@JediGigi

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.