what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

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not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.


*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?


People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”


Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t


9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon


No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.


BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward


Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”


Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.