What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.