What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
She was rare, like a goth jogging
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.