What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice