what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
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5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
it must be school picture day
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air