“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
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Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Pass gas, not judgment.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”