what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.