What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Best table by far
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My blood type is coffee.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug