What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]