What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
the three branches of government
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?