@nerdcula

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

You Might Also Like

@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@UnFitz

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

@impaulmccoy

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@Cpin42

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

@JohnBadpuns

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”