What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*puts cutlery down*
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I’ve had worse
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
thank god the sign was there
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
The best shot in the history of golf