Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.