What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
You Might Also Like
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Guy who likes music
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!