What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
#parenting
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Truth
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Guys, I found it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
the three branches of government
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”