what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Smells like a challenge to me
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy