what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Are you a cat person or a person person?
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photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
<- sleeps well with others
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Time heals everything 🙂
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!