what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?