what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.