What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??