Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.