@Darlainky Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
@noog What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
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@Darlainky 
@POTerritory Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
@Birdhumms You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
@SteveKoehler22 No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
@JohnLyonTweets My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
@NathanBgood “Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
@TheWoodenslurpy i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
@XplodingUnicorn Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
@Cheeseboy22 Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
@benrector Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.