What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.