Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@RickAaron

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@BlindChow

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

@vangobot

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

@SavageDabs69

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

@TheAlexP

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

@perlhack

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

@PrinceGreenJr

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.