What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Breaking news:
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
True
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …