What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
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Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.