What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!