What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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I would like even faster food.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish