What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Put this video in the Louvre
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Krampus.
What
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti