What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
The booster protects against what, now?
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.