What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one