What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Please do it!