What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Cause of death: Zumba
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!