What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.