“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.


HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star


When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.


Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.


Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A


Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.


my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera


If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?