“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
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the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door