@bartandsoul

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

You Might Also Like

@omically

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

@Cpin42

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

@SCbchbum

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

@greenteam15

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

@aLLiSTeRBaNTeR

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?