@bartandsoul
@omically “every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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@omically 
@Cpin42 HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
@SCbchbum When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
@Cheeseboy22 Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
@greenteam15 Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
@Adam_Kingsnorth Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
@IamEnidColeslaw my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
@aLLiSTeRBaNTeR If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
@JoParkerBear Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
@ScottLinnen Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?