“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
What number SPF blocks people?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
*knuckle tats*
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