What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Ah..makes sense now
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
This one’s “Alex”.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.